Wow, here it is. Graduation. Everything is coming to an end, an end that I'm not exactly ready to experience. It's scary to think that after thirteen years....it all boils down to one moment. One moment in which you think...Shit, i should've done this, i should've done that. I'm afraid of what is going to happen after this great experience. My journey, my childhood, is all coming to an end. The security that i once had, is gone. That one place that i could go to when i had nowhere else...is gone, well that's been gone for 7 months...But still. I'm alone in this cruel world, i have one person to lean on. But she can only help me, she can't make me do the things that i intend to do. She has motivated me to be a great man. I am no longer a kid, i have crossed to threshold, and i am holding the chalice in my hands. Everything is falling into place, some things cannot be moved, but others are loose, floating in this sea in which nothing is settled. I'm the storm on the horizon, it is my purpose to move those objects. Only i can do it. Life is starting, it's no longer relying on others, it's my turn to grab the mantle, and place it in front of me, to see it's glory and experience everything it beholds. My life is beginning. I have written part of my story, another chapter to be written off. Are you writing yours well?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Her
Prom...it was amazing. Perfect. We argued, yeah. But it was the first time we were around each other that long, and it was only simple things....just like an old married couple. But it was still perfect...Last year's prom i realized how much i hurt my friends. This year...i realized how much i love this girl. I wouldn't trade her for anything. But....I'd trade anything for her. The entire time i was thinking "she's too good for me". And well...i said to myself that i'd give anything, phycially, spiritually, mentally, etc., just to have ten happy long years with her. Years in which i don't have to worry about her leaving, or me leaving...and things are just great. I want that to become reality...but i'm always afraid that she's going to figure out how bad of a person i am and leave me...I hate it. But i love this girl and there isn't a thing i wouldn't do for her. She doesn't like to hear it...but she is my life. And i couldn't go on without her....like i could but it would be so empty for so long...and it...would just suck. Well....i'm done lol
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
eh...
this is my senior year. Nothing real great has come out of it. Hell, high school sucked. It has been nothing but a journey, an adventure that i've had to take on my own. One that didn't follow rules or patterns. It's fucked me over every step of the way. But still, i go on. High school is only the beginning, if you had told me that three years ago, i would've laughed in your face. Three years ago, i almost didn't have a life, i was almost thrown into jail for someone trying to get attention, trying to get people to notice her, trying to one up her friends. My life almost ended right then. Later that year, my grandmother got cancer, i moved in with her, leaving everything i had known and loved from 2nd grade all the way to freshman year. I made friends at my sophomore year school...even though i screwed them over in more ways than i could even count. But they still loved me. They wanted me to beg for forgiveness...and they deserved to have that. I begged, and i got them back. It was a long process, but i did it. Then i had to move again. And i was thrust into a school so judgemental, i thought that it was Peter at the golden gates telling me i was going to hell. I hate this high school with all i have...but i wouldn't trade what i got here for anything. My friends became long life pals, or will be. I met some of the coolest people i'll ever know...and i got another chance with the love of my life. Trial and error, that's what life is about. High school isn't the end, its the beginning of everything. You have to work hard to get what you want. You go to college...and well, everything is going to be ok. But, like in my case, if you didn't do too great in high school, you just have to have to drive to make things better. It's not easy, it's not fun, but it's going to be worth it. Life will open up for you. High School is the first step. Don't just walk over it...leap. Leap into what you want, don't settle for anything less. If you want something, take it. Don't look for acceptance, look for you. Be selfish with your life. Because that's what it is, your life.
Monday, May 3, 2010
mistakes and lessons
Mistakes are teaching mechanisms that have been built into our society since the beginning of...well society. When we make a mistake it is up to us to learn from it. But, its in our own hands to learn from. People can't tell you that "you haven't learned" or "you have learned", because its something that is on the inside of you.
My mistake from November shaped my senior year into a pit of shit and despair. I didn't get to enjoy the fruits of labor, the friends, the anything. My senior year has sucked, and it won't be getting any better. I'm 18 as of thursday, and still, i'm being punished for something that happened six months ago. They say i haven't learned my lesson because i don't have a job. But let me ask you this, if you were told to get a job, that you couldn't choose what kind of job it was, and that every paycheck you get would be given to your parents, would you want a job? I want a job for freedom, will i get it? No. My parents don't work that way. They had an excuse to tell me that the reason why they wanted me to give them my money was so they could put it away for me...i'm not an idiot. My dad keeps telling me that i have an excuse for everything. And yet my dad doesn't want to admit his excuses either. When i first got grounded, i had my $300 worth of clothes thrown out...that was my money thrown down the drain. I was told i needed to go to church, i was told that i couldn't talk to my girlfriend. My dad first said it was to teach me a lesson. Then with the clothes a couple months later he told me was because i cost him money with my hospital bill (even though i hadn't lived with him until november, and my mother and step dad pay for everything), then with church he said it was so i was "aware" of religion. With the girlfriend he told me was because my mother said we brought out the worst in each other. Then, just last week, it all changed again. Church was now an outlet, not seeing my girlfriend was so i wasn't distracted, and throwing my clothes away was so i could focus on school....ummm, DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING DUMB!!! My dad wanted to show that he had power, just like he did this past weekend, he got me a haircut, i told the girl how i wanted it cut, and he toldher how to cut it. I wasn't paying so i couldn't say no. Well, with my clothes from two years ago, i looked like a homo...now with this haircut, i look like a ragin' queer...Yeah, my dad says it was "to help with your interview", bullshit. This came at the time that i told them i was going to be out of town this weekend to be at prom with my girlfriend. I'm sorry, but too convenient.
I'm sick of bullshit, i'm sick of lying, i'm sick of excuses, i'm sick of them. Once i turn 18, they aren't going to be happy with how i will change. I'm done dealing with all this shit. I'm 18, not a fucking child, and they are going to know very shortly just how pissed off they made me. Peace.
My mistake from November shaped my senior year into a pit of shit and despair. I didn't get to enjoy the fruits of labor, the friends, the anything. My senior year has sucked, and it won't be getting any better. I'm 18 as of thursday, and still, i'm being punished for something that happened six months ago. They say i haven't learned my lesson because i don't have a job. But let me ask you this, if you were told to get a job, that you couldn't choose what kind of job it was, and that every paycheck you get would be given to your parents, would you want a job? I want a job for freedom, will i get it? No. My parents don't work that way. They had an excuse to tell me that the reason why they wanted me to give them my money was so they could put it away for me...i'm not an idiot. My dad keeps telling me that i have an excuse for everything. And yet my dad doesn't want to admit his excuses either. When i first got grounded, i had my $300 worth of clothes thrown out...that was my money thrown down the drain. I was told i needed to go to church, i was told that i couldn't talk to my girlfriend. My dad first said it was to teach me a lesson. Then with the clothes a couple months later he told me was because i cost him money with my hospital bill (even though i hadn't lived with him until november, and my mother and step dad pay for everything), then with church he said it was so i was "aware" of religion. With the girlfriend he told me was because my mother said we brought out the worst in each other. Then, just last week, it all changed again. Church was now an outlet, not seeing my girlfriend was so i wasn't distracted, and throwing my clothes away was so i could focus on school....ummm, DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING DUMB!!! My dad wanted to show that he had power, just like he did this past weekend, he got me a haircut, i told the girl how i wanted it cut, and he toldher how to cut it. I wasn't paying so i couldn't say no. Well, with my clothes from two years ago, i looked like a homo...now with this haircut, i look like a ragin' queer...Yeah, my dad says it was "to help with your interview", bullshit. This came at the time that i told them i was going to be out of town this weekend to be at prom with my girlfriend. I'm sorry, but too convenient.
I'm sick of bullshit, i'm sick of lying, i'm sick of excuses, i'm sick of them. Once i turn 18, they aren't going to be happy with how i will change. I'm done dealing with all this shit. I'm 18, not a fucking child, and they are going to know very shortly just how pissed off they made me. Peace.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Senioritis
well, as we are all aware of, Seniors usually don't do there work. Its something that i am suffering from majorily. But what if we put a spin on it
Well, because of my senoritis, my parents are deciding to let me use there computers to type up my senior culminating project. So apparently laziness also makes your parents a timeline. If you don't go by there timeline, you suck to them and can't use there things that can make you pass your senior year.
I know i fucked up, but seriously? Its been five months since i made my mistkae and i'm still being smitten for it. My parents are always telling me to forget things and stop holding it against people. But what are they doing to me? I made a mistake and now my world has to come tumbling down all around me because of a frikin mistake. I'm kinda sick of it. Parents are hypocites, they want you to listen to them, but are never willing to listen to you. My parents think that everything is my fault, and they can do no wrong. Go figure right?
I deal with this crap on a day to day basis. I have to deal with it because well, i need a place to stay until i leave and move in with my girlfriend. My friends have helped me alot, but my girlfriend has saved me. I am a better person because of her, and i don't think i could go on without her. Everything happens for a reason. That will always be my saying. Well this one wasn't as deep as my others, but peace out!!
Well, because of my senoritis, my parents are deciding to let me use there computers to type up my senior culminating project. So apparently laziness also makes your parents a timeline. If you don't go by there timeline, you suck to them and can't use there things that can make you pass your senior year.
I know i fucked up, but seriously? Its been five months since i made my mistkae and i'm still being smitten for it. My parents are always telling me to forget things and stop holding it against people. But what are they doing to me? I made a mistake and now my world has to come tumbling down all around me because of a frikin mistake. I'm kinda sick of it. Parents are hypocites, they want you to listen to them, but are never willing to listen to you. My parents think that everything is my fault, and they can do no wrong. Go figure right?
I deal with this crap on a day to day basis. I have to deal with it because well, i need a place to stay until i leave and move in with my girlfriend. My friends have helped me alot, but my girlfriend has saved me. I am a better person because of her, and i don't think i could go on without her. Everything happens for a reason. That will always be my saying. Well this one wasn't as deep as my others, but peace out!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Friends or Family
We've all heard it, you can't choose your family. But what if that is just a misnomer?"
Your family isn't necessarily the ones that sired you, i mean, i have chosen my family. My family are my friends. The ones that make me feel apart of something grander than just a group of malfunctioning teens. I'm at my grandmas, a woman i love more than anything, and i feel as if i'm missing out on all my family. When i used to live here, i was so welcomed at this school, that the people weren't only my friends, they were my extended family. And thats just how its always been. But i haven't seen this family since October...i haven't been able to really talk to them since November. My family is who i have chosen, and i can't even talk to them.
People always say your parents are the ones you should love the most, along with siblings. But in my case...my friends come first (save gma). My father was never there for me, and he says that that is my fault. My mother is now under the influence of a man who beat me. What am i supposed to do? love them no matter what. I know that in the bible that is what you are told to do love your enemy...i can see where it comes from. So i respect them, not exactly show them love but i make sure that they are the ones i respect the most. But my extended family, the ones that i have chosen to want in my life for better or for worse get the majority of my love
Once again, i'm being all serious.
Your family isn't necessarily the ones that sired you, i mean, i have chosen my family. My family are my friends. The ones that make me feel apart of something grander than just a group of malfunctioning teens. I'm at my grandmas, a woman i love more than anything, and i feel as if i'm missing out on all my family. When i used to live here, i was so welcomed at this school, that the people weren't only my friends, they were my extended family. And thats just how its always been. But i haven't seen this family since October...i haven't been able to really talk to them since November. My family is who i have chosen, and i can't even talk to them.
People always say your parents are the ones you should love the most, along with siblings. But in my case...my friends come first (save gma). My father was never there for me, and he says that that is my fault. My mother is now under the influence of a man who beat me. What am i supposed to do? love them no matter what. I know that in the bible that is what you are told to do love your enemy...i can see where it comes from. So i respect them, not exactly show them love but i make sure that they are the ones i respect the most. But my extended family, the ones that i have chosen to want in my life for better or for worse get the majority of my love
Once again, i'm being all serious.
Friday, April 9, 2010
All for a reason?
We are always talking about how everything happens for a reason...but how are we to know if it really is for a reason, or if its an act of nature, God...No one knows for sure. But we all want to have something to say about things that happen that we don't like.
Last night my girlfriend last her grandmother. I was at a loss of what to say...i could tell her i love her, say everything is going to be alright...and i did...but i also said that everything happens for a reason. Did i know the reason? No, i couldn't even fathom why someone would have to die. It hasn't even been a year since she lost her Aunt. How could all this happen for a reason? No one can be sure, so why did i even say it. Because i didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone you love who keeps losing the ones that she loves. Does it make any sense? Is it all for a reason? I can't tell you. All i know is that girl is the most amazing girl i've ever met. She does nothing wrong, so why does she keep losing everyone special to her? I can't answer the question, but i want to be able to. I'm at a loss, and i don't know what to do...I love her more than anything, i'm going to be marrying her and everything...i can tell her anything and everything. But i can't be there for her when she most needs me...and its not only because we don't live in the same town or don't get to talk...i just simply don't know what to say. I lost my grandmother, and it took me two years to finally get over it. That woman showed me life...and it took forever for me to move on. My girlfriend loves her grandmother, but it's her step dads grandmother...should she love her less? Should this death be easier for her than it was for me? I have questions with no answers...I have a love for her than can't be explained...and i'm completely helpless for the one that means the most to me in my life. What can i do...that will always be the question. My girlfriend is strong and will move on...but i don't know how to help her. Maybe later in life i will. But who knows for sure.
Again i ask, do we really know if everything that happens is for a reason, or is it nature, or God?
Last night my girlfriend last her grandmother. I was at a loss of what to say...i could tell her i love her, say everything is going to be alright...and i did...but i also said that everything happens for a reason. Did i know the reason? No, i couldn't even fathom why someone would have to die. It hasn't even been a year since she lost her Aunt. How could all this happen for a reason? No one can be sure, so why did i even say it. Because i didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone you love who keeps losing the ones that she loves. Does it make any sense? Is it all for a reason? I can't tell you. All i know is that girl is the most amazing girl i've ever met. She does nothing wrong, so why does she keep losing everyone special to her? I can't answer the question, but i want to be able to. I'm at a loss, and i don't know what to do...I love her more than anything, i'm going to be marrying her and everything...i can tell her anything and everything. But i can't be there for her when she most needs me...and its not only because we don't live in the same town or don't get to talk...i just simply don't know what to say. I lost my grandmother, and it took me two years to finally get over it. That woman showed me life...and it took forever for me to move on. My girlfriend loves her grandmother, but it's her step dads grandmother...should she love her less? Should this death be easier for her than it was for me? I have questions with no answers...I have a love for her than can't be explained...and i'm completely helpless for the one that means the most to me in my life. What can i do...that will always be the question. My girlfriend is strong and will move on...but i don't know how to help her. Maybe later in life i will. But who knows for sure.
Again i ask, do we really know if everything that happens is for a reason, or is it nature, or God?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My Fault
You know, I find it quite funny how parents are. I mean when a kid makes a mistake, what happens? They get in trouble. But what happens when parents make mistakes? Well in my case, parents don't make mistakes. They blame it all on me. I'm the reason that my mother and my step-dad fight, it's my fault that my step sister is treated better than the three other kids that are living in that house. It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. It is getting so bad that even when my friends and i fight, as in, if they kissed my gf, it would be my fault. I'd blame it all on me. My ex girlfriend cheated on me many times...and it was my fault...i blamed it on me, and so did she. Is it really my fault? No, it isn't. But after listening to the people who are supposed to love you, supposed to care for you, when they say how worthless you are, say how everything is your fault...one starts to believe the BS that they are fed. Unfortunately i have. I made a mistake this year...smoking laced pot...and ever since i've been grounded...no friends...my clothes thrown out ($300 of my money)...forced to go to church...the list goes on and on. And i could understand some of the punishment...like paying the hospital bill...but taking MY clothes away, taking away MY freedom of religion, blackmailing me into living with them, or going into the military...One stops giving a shit about their parents...and then they take away the last thing you hold dear. My girlfriend who had been working her hardest to make me better, was taking away from me. Her and i barely talk anymore thanks to them. But thats MY fault that my step dad lied to my father. I watch how everyone else's parents are...and i wonder what i did to have deserved what has been handed to me. I know i'm not a great kid...but i know i deserve better than being beaten. But for some reason...they believe i deserve it. My step dad has manipulated my mom into thinking i'm satan or something. My dad hasn't been in my life until i smoked weed this year...november of 09. But its my fault that my dad was not in my life apparently.
They wonder why i'm depressed...and i tell them. I'm told that i need to stop trying to get sympathy and grow up. I am nothing to them...i know it...i love my mom more than anything, but with my step dad around...i'm nothing. It sucks to know that the only thing in your life is your imagination. The one escape that you've got left because everything else has been stolen. My parents have abused me, whether physical, mental, or verbal...its been hard...but to them...its all my fault. They are the Messiah...they do nothing wrong...I am the Antichrist...its how they look at everything...and because i am not 18...i can't say or do anything...i have 4 weeks left until i can finally be gone...but who knows how long it will take for me to be mentally healthy again...
They wonder why i'm depressed...and i tell them. I'm told that i need to stop trying to get sympathy and grow up. I am nothing to them...i know it...i love my mom more than anything, but with my step dad around...i'm nothing. It sucks to know that the only thing in your life is your imagination. The one escape that you've got left because everything else has been stolen. My parents have abused me, whether physical, mental, or verbal...its been hard...but to them...its all my fault. They are the Messiah...they do nothing wrong...I am the Antichrist...its how they look at everything...and because i am not 18...i can't say or do anything...i have 4 weeks left until i can finally be gone...but who knows how long it will take for me to be mentally healthy again...
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