Her

Prom...it was amazing. Perfect. We argued, yeah. But it was the first time we were around each other that long, and it was only simple things....just like an old married couple. But it was still perfect...Last year's prom i realized how much i hurt my friends. This year...i realized how much i love this girl. I wouldn't trade her for anything. But....I'd trade anything for her. The entire time i was thinking "she's too good for me". And well...i said to myself that i'd give anything, phycially, spiritually, mentally, etc., just to have ten happy long years with her. Years in which i don't have to worry about her leaving, or me leaving...and things are just great. I want that to become reality...but i'm always afraid that she's going to figure out how bad of a person i am and leave me...I hate it. But i love this girl and there isn't a thing i wouldn't do for her. She doesn't like to hear it...but she is my life. And i couldn't go on without her....like i could but it would be so empty for so long...and it...would just suck. Well....i'm done lol

eh...

this is my senior year. Nothing real great has come out of it. Hell, high school sucked. It has been nothing but a journey, an adventure that i've had to take on my own. One that didn't follow rules or patterns. It's fucked me over every step of the way. But still, i go on. High school is only the beginning, if you had told me that three years ago, i would've laughed in your face. Three years ago, i almost didn't have a life, i was almost thrown into jail for someone trying to get attention, trying to get people to notice her, trying to one up her friends. My life almost ended right then. Later that year, my grandmother got cancer, i moved in with her, leaving everything i had known and loved from 2nd grade all the way to freshman year. I made friends at my sophomore year school...even though i screwed them over in more ways than i could even count. But they still loved me. They wanted me to beg for forgiveness...and they deserved to have that. I begged, and i got them back. It was a long process, but i did it. Then i had to move again. And i was thrust into a school so judgemental, i thought that it was Peter at the golden gates telling me i was going to hell. I hate this high school with all i have...but i wouldn't trade what i got here for anything. My friends became long life pals, or will be. I met some of the coolest people i'll ever know...and i got another chance with the love of my life. Trial and error, that's what life is about. High school isn't the end, its the beginning of everything. You have to work hard to get what you want. You go to college...and well, everything is going to be ok. But, like in my case, if you didn't do too great in high school, you just have to have to drive to make things better. It's not easy, it's not fun, but it's going to be worth it. Life will open up for you. High School is the first step. Don't just walk over it...leap. Leap into what you want, don't settle for anything less. If you want something, take it. Don't look for acceptance, look for you. Be selfish with your life. Because that's what it is, your life.

mistakes and lessons

Mistakes are teaching mechanisms that have been built into our society since the beginning of...well society. When we make a mistake it is up to us to learn from it. But, its in our own hands to learn from. People can't tell you that "you haven't learned" or "you have learned", because its something that is on the inside of you.
My mistake from November shaped my senior year into a pit of shit and despair. I didn't get to enjoy the fruits of labor, the friends, the anything. My senior year has sucked, and it won't be getting any better. I'm 18 as of thursday, and still, i'm being punished for something that happened six months ago. They say i haven't learned my lesson because i don't have a job. But let me ask you this, if you were told to get a job, that you couldn't choose what kind of job it was, and that every paycheck you get would be given to your parents, would you want a job? I want a job for freedom, will i get it? No. My parents don't work that way. They had an excuse to tell me that the reason why they wanted me to give them my money was so they could put it away for me...i'm not an idiot. My dad keeps telling me that i have an excuse for everything. And yet my dad doesn't want to admit his excuses either. When i first got grounded, i had my $300 worth of clothes thrown out...that was my money thrown down the drain. I was told i needed to go to church, i was told that i couldn't talk to my girlfriend. My dad first said it was to teach me a lesson. Then with the clothes a couple months later he told me was because i cost him money with my hospital bill (even though i hadn't lived with him until november, and my mother and step dad pay for everything), then with church he said it was so i was "aware" of religion. With the girlfriend he told me was because my mother said we brought out the worst in each other. Then, just last week, it all changed again. Church was now an outlet, not seeing my girlfriend was so i wasn't distracted, and throwing my clothes away was so i could focus on school....ummm, DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING DUMB!!! My dad wanted to show that he had power, just like he did this past weekend, he got me a haircut, i told the girl how i wanted it cut, and he toldher how to cut it. I wasn't paying so i couldn't say no. Well, with my clothes from two years ago, i looked like a homo...now with this haircut, i look like a ragin' queer...Yeah, my dad says it was "to help with your interview", bullshit. This came at the time that i told them i was going to be out of town this weekend to be at prom with my girlfriend. I'm sorry, but too convenient.
I'm sick of bullshit, i'm sick of lying, i'm sick of excuses, i'm sick of them. Once i turn 18, they aren't going to be happy with how i will change. I'm done dealing with all this shit. I'm 18, not a fucking child, and they are going to know very shortly just how pissed off they made me. Peace.