Senioritis

well, as we are all aware of, Seniors usually don't do there work. Its something that i am suffering from majorily. But what if we put a spin on it
Well, because of my senoritis, my parents are deciding to let me use there computers to type up my senior culminating project. So apparently laziness also makes your parents a timeline. If you don't go by there timeline, you suck to them and can't use there things that can make you pass your senior year.
I know i fucked up, but seriously? Its been five months since i made my mistkae and i'm still being smitten for it. My parents are always telling me to forget things and stop holding it against people. But what are they doing to me? I made a mistake and now my world has to come tumbling down all around me because of a frikin mistake. I'm kinda sick of it. Parents are hypocites, they want you to listen to them, but are never willing to listen to you. My parents think that everything is my fault, and they can do no wrong. Go figure right?
I deal with this crap on a day to day basis. I have to deal with it because well, i need a place to stay until i leave and move in with my girlfriend. My friends have helped me alot, but my girlfriend has saved me. I am a better person because of her, and i don't think i could go on without her. Everything happens for a reason. That will always be my saying. Well this one wasn't as deep as my others, but peace out!!

Friends or Family

We've all heard it, you can't choose your family. But what if that is just a misnomer?"
Your family isn't necessarily the ones that sired you, i mean, i have chosen my family. My family are my friends. The ones that make me feel apart of something grander than just a group of malfunctioning teens. I'm at my grandmas, a woman i love more than anything, and i feel as if i'm missing out on all my family. When i used to live here, i was so welcomed at this school, that the people weren't only my friends, they were my extended family. And thats just how its always been. But i haven't seen this family since October...i haven't been able to really talk to them since November. My family is who i have chosen, and i can't even talk to them.
People always say your parents are the ones you should love the most, along with siblings. But in my case...my friends come first (save gma). My father was never there for me, and he says that that is my fault. My mother is now under the influence of a man who beat me. What am i supposed to do? love them no matter what. I know that in the bible that is what you are told to do love your enemy...i can see where it comes from. So i respect them, not exactly show them love but i make sure that they are the ones i respect the most. But my extended family, the ones that i have chosen to want in my life for better or for worse get the majority of my love
Once again, i'm being all serious.

All for a reason?

We are always talking about how everything happens for a reason...but how are we to know if it really is for a reason, or if its an act of nature, God...No one knows for sure. But we all want to have something to say about things that happen that we don't like.
Last night my girlfriend last her grandmother. I was at a loss of what to say...i could tell her i love her, say everything is going to be alright...and i did...but i also said that everything happens for a reason. Did i know the reason? No, i couldn't even fathom why someone would have to die. It hasn't even been a year since she lost her Aunt. How could all this happen for a reason? No one can be sure, so why did i even say it. Because i didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone you love who keeps losing the ones that she loves. Does it make any sense? Is it all for a reason? I can't tell you. All i know is that girl is the most amazing girl i've ever met. She does nothing wrong, so why does she keep losing everyone special to her? I can't answer the question, but i want to be able to. I'm at a loss, and i don't know what to do...I love her more than anything, i'm going to be marrying her and everything...i can tell her anything and everything. But i can't be there for her when she most needs me...and its not only because we don't live in the same town or don't get to talk...i just simply don't know what to say. I lost my grandmother, and it took me two years to finally get over it. That woman showed me life...and it took forever for me to move on. My girlfriend loves her grandmother, but it's her step dads grandmother...should she love her less? Should this death be easier for her than it was for me? I have questions with no answers...I have a love for her than can't be explained...and i'm completely helpless for the one that means the most to me in my life. What can i do...that will always be the question. My girlfriend is strong and will move on...but i don't know how to help her. Maybe later in life i will. But who knows for sure.
Again i ask, do we really know if everything that happens is for a reason, or is it nature, or God?

My Fault

You know, I find it quite funny how parents are. I mean when a kid makes a mistake, what happens? They get in trouble. But what happens when parents make mistakes? Well in my case, parents don't make mistakes. They blame it all on me. I'm the reason that my mother and my step-dad fight, it's my fault that my step sister is treated better than the three other kids that are living in that house. It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. It is getting so bad that even when my friends and i fight, as in, if they kissed my gf, it would be my fault. I'd blame it all on me. My ex girlfriend cheated on me many times...and it was my fault...i blamed it on me, and so did she. Is it really my fault? No, it isn't. But after listening to the people who are supposed to love you, supposed to care for you, when they say how worthless you are, say how everything is your fault...one starts to believe the BS that they are fed. Unfortunately i have. I made a mistake this year...smoking laced pot...and ever since i've been grounded...no friends...my clothes thrown out ($300 of my money)...forced to go to church...the list goes on and on. And i could understand some of the punishment...like paying the hospital bill...but taking MY clothes away, taking away MY freedom of religion, blackmailing me into living with them, or going into the military...One stops giving a shit about their parents...and then they take away the last thing you hold dear. My girlfriend who had been working her hardest to make me better, was taking away from me. Her and i barely talk anymore thanks to them. But thats MY fault that my step dad lied to my father. I watch how everyone else's parents are...and i wonder what i did to have deserved what has been handed to me. I know i'm not a great kid...but i know i deserve better than being beaten. But for some reason...they believe i deserve it. My step dad has manipulated my mom into thinking i'm satan or something. My dad hasn't been in my life until i smoked weed this year...november of 09. But its my fault that my dad was not in my life apparently.
They wonder why i'm depressed...and i tell them. I'm told that i need to stop trying to get sympathy and grow up. I am nothing to them...i know it...i love my mom more than anything, but with my step dad around...i'm nothing. It sucks to know that the only thing in your life is your imagination. The one escape that you've got left because everything else has been stolen. My parents have abused me, whether physical, mental, or verbal...its been hard...but to them...its all my fault. They are the Messiah...they do nothing wrong...I am the Antichrist...its how they look at everything...and because i am not 18...i can't say or do anything...i have 4 weeks left until i can finally be gone...but who knows how long it will take for me to be mentally healthy again...