i'm going out of my head. i just got back from the hospital. i was in the "wacky shack". I needed it, and it really helped me find myself. unfortunately i realized that the love of my life, and my best friend...needs to go. she caused me alot of pain. and she...idk, i feel used by her. shes my everything. and i just need to let go. i need to get my life figured out...and she isn't mature enough for a relationship. who knows...maybe in the future we can be together, but i can't rely on that. she is my heart and soul...but its just time for me to move on. i need to let go as well. she...idk...i don't think she loves me at all...and hasn't for awhile.

curve ball

life is fragile. there is nothing that truly holds us in place. I always thought that my rock was my girlfriend...i found out that that only gets you a broken heart, broken dreams, and a broken mind. I've never been a stable person. after my girlfriend moved out on me, i started losing it. Then she broke up with me, and sent me over the edge. I gave up everything, literally everything, for this girl. I now live with my parents again because i had a mental break because the stress got to me so bad i wanted to die. I am going to hospital tomorrow that is going to help me get myself on my feet again. Am i happy? hell no...but i know i have to do this. Five years has turned out to be nothing bit a waste of my time. I gave her my everything...and she held back. I now know it just isn't worth it anymore. Girls are girls, and always will be. They are out there to fuck you over. After her trying to convince me for 4 months to move down to her town and in with her, i did. And then she left me. it all feel so pointless. I gave up all that time just for her, and it ended up just to be so i could get hurt. Shes already kissing other guys...the douche fuck she cheated on me with years ago. It makes me wonder if she ever really did care about me. If she meant it everytime she said she loved me...everytime we made love...hell i even doubt she was a virgin now...My entire life has been flipped upside down, and i have no idea where i'm going. I used to know exactly what i was doing with my life...but now i failed. I no longer have my own place, i no longer have a job. I'm broke ass poor, my claim for my car accident got denied...yeah. So much on my plate that i can't really deal with it. I'm hoping that the doctors i see give me good advice on what to do with this girl. She used to be my absolute best friend...now i don't know. I may have to completely cut her out of my life just so i can be stable. if thats how it has to be, then so be it. I'm sick of her hurting me all the time. Enough is enough. My health is more important than my love for her. I guess we'll just see what happens when i get out of the hospital...

is it over?

5 years. Five solid years of love and everything that you need. This girl is my everything, my forever girl. And now....now its over. She says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I don't belive thats the only reason. She never hurt me. I'm at a complete loss. Everything we had planned was so concrete and so detailed there was no way for it to fail. We planned everything that we needed. We know that we are made for each other. That destiny brought us together after so many years apart. We believe that everything happens for a reason. However, what is happening now...what is the reason? She doesn't want to be with me anymore...how can that be good? I believe in soul mates. She is mine. I know it. When we are together we both feel a strong connections that we cannot describe. We know our love is pure and fundamental. Everything we have with each other is pure, simple, and nothing but the truest of true loves. Everytime we made love, it was indescribable. always perfect, always. Nothing can even amount to what we had with each other. And now its gone. And it makes no sense as to why that would happen. Everything was going great...and then it was over. I don't understand. I'm completely broken, my entire life plan is destroyed. I gave her everything i had. I have nothing more to give. And i never will again. She has me. Always and forever. I love you truffles. Always and forever....